I’ve been thinking about this blog a lot lately, and how it’s less about a boy to a soldier than it is a boy’s mom to a soldier’s mom.  The greatest transition has been over deployment and these few weeks of redeployment.  During these three weeks I’ve noticed that my son is aloof and unapproachable where I am concerned.  I wonder if he purposely distancing himself or if he’s just preoccupied with being home and the schedule he is on with the Army.  What is it? 

Whatever it is, it has broken my heart.  The boy I was always close to, who would call me to justify his purchase of a new guitar or ask me how he should do something, is lost somewhere.  Now, when I call him to make a suggestion about a situation, he says, “Mom, I already know that, or I’ve taken care of it.”  I’m dismissed.  My position has been phased out.  My services are no longer necessary.  Hard to take.

This has completely changed the tone of my existence.  To be pushed aside and dismissed by the child you gave birth to and nurtured for 20 years is unbearable.  Last year for Mother’s Day I received a card that said, “I honestly don’t know if I’d be where I am today without all the help I’ve had from you.  Even being here, you’ve still helped me to keep my head straight and do what I need to do.  I miss you a lot.  I’ll always be a momma’s boy at heart.”  This year for Mother’s Day he was in transition back to the U.S.  I carried my phone all day, hoping for a call.  Nothing.  Three days after he was back, still no call .  No call until his brother sent him a text, unbeknownst to me, telling him to call me because I was upset.    He has not called again since that day. 

Why?  What is it?  Will I ever know or have my son back?  Has this experience changed him forever into this detached and remote person?  I'm praying that this is just part of the process of re-entry and that it's not here to stay.