Struggle.  That's life.  My oldest son, second child deploying.  My oldest dog, not well.  That can't happen this year.  Not yet.  I am not a strong person.  I breakdown and cry over things and situations and people just like everyone else.  Surprise!  I'm not crazy, I'm normal.  I think.  I guess I handled 2012 fairly well.  I'm just moving a little slower than usual.  It only took me 2 weeks to put Christmas stuff up and almost 2 weeks to take it all down. 

Am I having a hot flash?  I sure hope so.  Chris just left to go out to "the rocks" with girl- from-work Jordan.  Just a friend.  How can he be that old already?

Anyway, as I prepare for my soldier to go and do what soldiers do, I remembered this letter that I read and wanted to share some of it.  It was written by Claire Strickland after her child returned from deployment. 

When I faced deployment the first time I felt like a deer caught in headlights.  I was paralyzed.  It was an internal paralysis.  I think I looked put together on the outside, but I was falling apart daily on the inside.  I am a proud woman.  I do not like to share my weaknesses and my pain with others. 

Here are a few things I wish I'd had the courage to say on my son's first deployment.

My emotions fluctuate.  Please don't think I'm strange if one moment I'm laughing with you and the next I am swallowing hard to fight off the tears.  Laughter and crying are closely related and sometimes when I try to laugh, those tears I stifled earlier in the day may try to sneak out.

If you have never had a loved one deployed you are not going to understand.  Please do not compare my son's deployment with the time your son broke his leg.  This is a different situation all together.  While my son is serving in a combat zone and being shot at, it is hard to drum up the empathy you normally get from me.

There are times when I am going to look on the outside how I feel on the inside.  This is when I bottom out.  This is when I have cried myself to sleep and can't hide my swollen eyes the next morning.  Please offer a kind word. Please do not tell me you understand and never downplay my surmounting fears with a simple phrase like "It's going to be alright."  You don't know that.  I don't know that.  My soldier doesn't know that.  Let me know you are praying for him and for me.  Let me know you appreciate his sacrifice.   That may not seem like much to you, but it means the world to me.

Remember that the landscape of my life is forever changed.  My son--my child, the one I love and promised to protect with my whole being from the moment I first saw him--is in a war zone and is in range of those who seek to harm and kill him.  That is not something I thought I would face as a parent.  He is not doing this because he's seeking an adventure.  If you want to know more about him, just ask me.  I may struggle with fear right now, but pride is never lacking.  Thank you for all of your understanding.  One day we will be on the other side of this and I will be back to a more normal me.  Sincerely, A Blue Star Mother

I'm tired of being asked if I'm okay.  What is okay?  I wake up every morning just like always.  I do what I always do.  I go to church.  I pray a lot.  I take care of things and get things done.  I'm still wife. I'm still mom.  I think I'm ready.  As someone very special to me recently said, "He belongs to God before he belongs to you."  Or something profound like that.  She's one of my prayer angels. I am thoroughly blessed to have so many wonderfully, supportive people surrounding me.  We owe it to those who have made the ultimate sacrifice for us, to live the best lives we possibly can.  Okay.