Faith and fear cannot exist in the same heart and mind at the same time.  Why is fear so overwhelming?  How does it overtake faith when faith is the good stuff?  I have recently been bombarded with reminders of faith.  Every day I've been wearing a little pin from Mary Kay that contains a mustard seed as a reminder to keep the faith.  Mine seems to be so much smaller than that tiny mustard seed.  I'm constantly working to overcome the fear I feel when I consider that in just three short months my son will deploy.  I know that faith is the only thing that will get me through that time. 

People say, "He'll be okay.  Don't worry."  I'm glad they are so sure of that.  Since when did they take on the roll of God?   Since when are they all knowing?  The fact is, he may not be okay.  The morning he left for basic training, when I woke him up with a blessing which I could barely say, even he said, "I'll be okay."  He doesn't know that either.  What is okay, anyway?  I guess it could be anything.  I am praying constantly.  I hope you will pray for me to be able to let go and let God take care of Matt just like He's done for the last 21 years.

Well, we've had a wedding.  October 14, 2012 Matt and Vanessa were married on the banks of the Chathoochee River.  Wow!  So quick and unexpected, but they seem to be happy.  In the next weeks they will be looking for a place to live and settling in.  It's so amazing to me to see the changes in my son in just eight months.  The impuslsivity does seem to still be a part of his personality, but there is a lot more maturity, too. 

It's not so easy to become a "hands off" mom when I've been so involved in his life.  Not that he doesn't want me to be involved, but I guess it's time for him to handle things himself and not rely on me as much.  I just have to learn to stay in the background and be supportive. 

Once settled, Matt will begin his training for deployment next year.  That's an issue for another day.  I keep telling myself, "faith, not fear, faith, not fear."

RASP is over and we are now the proud parents of a U.S. Army Airborne Ranger.  He looks the same to me!  It seems like a lifetime ago that this all began.  How can it have gone so quickly? 

He will be stationed in Savannah, Ga with the 1/75 Ranger Battalion.  He will deploy.  That's the most difficult thing for me to imagine.  Just can't think about it at the moment.

Sometime in the next several months Matt will marry Vanessa Reddish.  Can't believe that either.  It was so out of the blue and sudden.  

How will mom deal with all of this?  I just don't know.  Sometimes it's good and sometimes it's not.  I'm trying and praying a lot. 

The second week of RASP 1 (Ranger Assessment and Selection Program) training has begun.  Matt seems to have fared quite well in the first week.  I was surprised by a phone call from him on Friday morning.  They apparently get weekends off.  Wow.  I told him I was a little disappointed, because I thought it would be harder than that.  Weekends off?  He assured me that it is "plenty hard."  Several guys have already quit.  Matt said Thursday was their hardest day and two suffered heat exhaustion with core temperatures of 108 degrees.  He strained his knee, but after a night of rest it was feeling much better when he called on Saturday.

Today we got a letter from him which was written on his second day of training.  He says he's "getting some good training."  Let's hope so.  He seems confident that he will not have a problem finishing the program.    Praying that he does, because I know this is what he really wants. 

Matt's been home for a little over a week now.  It's really great to have everyone home.  Unfortunately, I am going to Dallas on Tuesday and won't be back until Sunday which is the day Matt leaves to go back to GA.  I want to go, but don't want to go.  I'll cry.  Sick of crying.

Once he's back he will take his PT test and if he's in the top 160, RASP will begin.  So, probably won't have the daily contact with him that I've gotten reaccustomed to.  If he is in the 160, then that training will be 8 weeks.  He said probably no contact for the first 4 weeks.  For me, it's like going back to basic training.  We won't see him for at least the 8 weeks.  Not planning to go back to Ft. Benning until RASP graduation.  Maybe he'll be home for a few days at Christmas.  Being so far away for so long is really difficult.  What I hate the most at the moment.

"Never been happier to be doing what I'm doing. I love this country and everything it repred(s)ents. I can only hope to fill the boots of all the guys that came before me and live up to the sacrafices they made"

That was Matt's Facebook post on July 4th.  And I didn't cry when I read it! 

He's still in pre-RASP with not much new going on.  He does get to come home next week for 17 days leave.  We're all excited about that!  Just can't wait for him to be home. 

I pinned his Airborne wings today.  So proud of him.  I know he feels great to have accomplished this.  It's all so bittersweet.  Onto the next step...RASP...Ranger Assessment Selection Program.  We watched them pick him up for pre-RASP.  They didn't get on the bus fast enough and had to all get off and do pushups.  Some of them with their packs still on their backs.  I felt so bad for them!

It's hard to look at these kids and think that in four months some of them will be Army Rangers.  They look so young.  I'm sure some have lived a lifetime in their short, 20-something years, but to look at them they're all just beginning.  They are all just beginning and what they want to do is serve their country.  So noble.  It just amazes me.