I pinned his Airborne wings today.  So proud of him.  I know he feels great to have accomplished this.  It's all so bittersweet.  Onto the next step...RASP...Ranger Assessment Selection Program.  We watched them pick him up for pre-RASP.  They didn't get on the bus fast enough and had to all get off and do pushups.  Some of them with their packs still on their backs.  I felt so bad for them!

It's hard to look at these kids and think that in four months some of them will be Army Rangers.  They look so young.  I'm sure some have lived a lifetime in their short, 20-something years, but to look at them they're all just beginning.  They are all just beginning and what they want to do is serve their country.  So noble.  It just amazes me.

Matt completed his first jump today.  He started the day with a 1:53 a.m. text to me saying he'd call me as soon as he had his phone and "I love you."  I was calmly worrried all day.  He finally called about 4:00 p.m. and said they were done.  He said he was freaking out on the plane (silently, to himself) and was the last to jump.  Because of that he was at the end of the drop zone and heading for the trees.  That freaked him out, too.  He was able to guide himself away and had a good landing.  He's ready to do it again tomorrow.  My 30/30 prayer commitment is easy with a son like Matt.  30 minutes of prayer a day for 30 days.  I know I'm praying way more than that!

Although he hasn't loved every minute of this experience, he keeps reiterating that he's doing this because he wants to serve his country and for what he loves and misses back home.  I think in a text to Chris he said he was tired of being lazy while other people were defending his freedom.

It's so strange to be with him when he's in uniform and watch people thank him for his service.  That makes me cry.  Everytime I have to call USAA about his car insurance they say, "Please thank your son for his service."  Cry, cry, cry.  I just can't help it.  When we were at Mass the weekend of his basic graduation a lady sitting in front of us stopped to thank Matt.  Chris and Matt were both looking at me like I was crazy because I was crying.  "Are you crying?"  I said, " Sometimes I cry at Mass." 

Matt begins Airborne School tomorrow.  Today he's a little bored, a little lonely.  Breaks a mother's heart.  Even as they move into adulthood, you still want to heal all their hurts and fix everything for them.  It's hard to hold back.  They have to experience the difficult situations of life just like we did.  It's like the butterfly emerging from it's cocoon.  Without the struggle it can't fly.  The struggle of getting out of that cocoon strengthens it's wings.  It's really hard for mom to stand by and watch and not try to help. 


So I just let a few of his friends at home know he's feeling down and asked them to give him a call sometime today but not to tell him I asked them.  Hopefully, that will cheer him up and get him through the rest of today.  Once he starts tomorrow I think he'll be okay.  He hasn't had many days to himself over the last four months and being stuck somewhere with no friends and nothing to do is a little overwhelming.

As I was sitting in the stands at Matt's graduation Friday, I kept thinking, "He's loving this.  This is what he imagined as a kid playing army men."  It just gave me a feeling of peace for him, that he really is living his dream.  I only cried once, when the speaker spoke about a soldier making the ultimate sacrifice and that he had never really thought about the fact that the soldier's mother also made a mother's ultimate sacrifice.  So true.  Mothers and families.  Every loss devastates a family.


I have never been more proud of my son, though.  Watching my step-grandfather pin on his blue cord for Turning Blue was awesome.  It was like things had come full circle.  My own grandfather died while serving in WWII and so having my step-grandfather there was the next best thing.  Matt was very honored that "Paw Paw" did that for him. 


I'm so glad we were here to be a part of this with Matt.  The weekend has been wonderful.  I don't want to leave tomorrow.  Don't want to cry, but I probably will.  Hopefully, I'll be back in a few weeks to pin his wings after Airborne school.

Less than a week until graduation.  Matt is getting a commendation for most improved PT score and most squared away soldier.  His versatility is amazing to me.  He can be the artsy, creative musician with a mohawk, tattoos and piercings as well as the disciplined, driven firefighter and now soldier.  He was my most sensitive child.  When he had to be in daycare for several months after I went back to work, he was so stressed out by another little boy in the class who screamed for his mother every morning after she dropped him off.  It would never have entered my mind that he would be interested in firefighting like his father.  I didn't know he could handle an emergency situation in a calm, cool and collected way.  I think it's just that when there is something he wants, he learns what he needs to learn.  He'll do whatever it takes.  That's how he taught himself to play guitar, too.  Now if I could get him to write a song for his mother....


I have really been struggling with faith and fear in this situation.  They cannot live in the same heart and mind and I have felt fear really taking over lately.  I am a very organized, type A person who likes to know all possible scenarios so Ican be prepared for everything.  Of course, that's really unrealistic and is the sort of thing that will drive me absolutely crazy.  Today, I had the good fortune of being with a Mary Kay National Sales Director for a few hours of training and motivation.  She really spoke to my need to find peace with Matt's decision.  Philippians 4:8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things.  As much as I want to be prepared for anything, I have to stop dwelling on bad possibilties and concentrate on being the good and supportive mom he needs.  She said we are not supposed to live in turmoil.  We should be living in peace and harmony, giving to others.  Just having that inner peace even when everything around us in in chaos.  Normally, I'm right there in chaos, too!

Well, they got their phones back, but only for use during personal time.  So I guess I won't be getting anymore letters.  Matt did send me a Mother's Day card and Chris got the mail before I did and saved it for me until Mother's Day.  I thought that was sweet of him.  Matt was also able to call that evening.  It's always great to hear his voice, although the cell reception there is terrible. 

Less than two weeks until graduation.  I feel like a mom with a new baby.  You just can't wait to hold them in your arms.  It's exciting and frightening at the same time.  The next step for him is Airborne school and that's kind of scary to think about.  It looks like more school after that.  The longer he's in school the better as far as I'm concerned. 

I got the nicest email from president of Blue Star Mothers.  Of course, it was sent to everyone, but it really touched me and so I wanted to share some of it.

Happy Mother’s Day to an amazing mother. Of course, you care for that son or daughter who has served in our military.  But your tenderness started long before that chapter of your life began. You showed your love when you bandaged their boo-boos; when you shared your faith at bedtime; when you joined the PTA or served as den mother for their scout troops.  You cooked those great holiday feasts, but more importantly, you cooked your signature blueberry pancakes on Saturday, packed their sack lunches for school, and made dinner daily.
When you became a blue star mother, you came up with the most creative items to pack in your child(ren)’s care packages—when your kids were in basic training, then tech school, and even when they went to war.  But you cared for more than just your own son, your own daughter.  You joined the Blue Star Mothers, so you could share your outstanding ideas for fundraisers and troop support, so no military kid had to feel alone while far from home.  All of those kids became your kids. Their pain was your pain. Their joy, yours.  You prayed for them in the middle of the night, when your heart was heavy, because motherhood overloaded you. And when they were deployed, you were deployed.  You cried with their families, and you rejoiced when they came home. (There you were, hugging every one of your kids’ fellow troops when they came back.) 

Talking to a friend last week, I was trying to explain how deeply I've been affected by my involvement with Blue Star Mothers.  This email described the feeling of caring so deeply for someone elses child as well as your own.  Their children are included in my prayers always.  As we go about our daily lives we tend to forget that there are thousands serving our country and risking their lives for us everyday.  Even when we don't agree with the politics of it all, we have to continue to remember them, pray for them and thank them for their service.

A little more

I have been really grateful for this time of basic training, though.  It has caused us to sit back and take things a little slower.  Instead of being able to call or send a text, we’ve had to take the time to write an actual letter and put it in the mail and then wait for a reply.  I’m really not looking forward to Matt having his phone back so much because I know he won’t write.   We’ve had some great written conversations.  I will miss that. 

 Matt is my middle child and eldest son.  He was a very sweet and sensitive child.  I always tell his girlfriends that he was the best little kid ever.  I could take him anywhere and he would behave like an angel.  When I would get dressed in the morning, he would sit on my bed watching me put on make up and I would ask him, "How do I look, Matthew?"  He would always say, "Mommy, you look bootiful."  And he would say, "Mommy, you my best fwend."  Such a wonderful little boy with the cutest dimple on his right cheek. 

He was always playing with those little, green army men.  I should have known. In fact, the week before he left for basic we went to the recruiting office to find out what he had left to do.  While we were there he had to reset his login for the army website and choose some security questions.  One was what did you want to be when you grew up or something.  He said, "Don't you remember, Mom?"  I said, "A Navy Seal?"  Yes that was one thing, but he really wanted to be a general.  Hmmmm....I don't know.  There were lots of things he wanted to be.  But he played with army men and he still has a drawer full of them.